137 today. UGH. This is my first step. Facing it and posting it. I am going to try and post my weight each Thursday.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Weigh In. - Oct. 6
137 today. UGH. This is my first step. Facing it and posting it. I am going to try and post my weight each Thursday.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
This Too Shall Pass
I am struggling right now - not just with my weight, but overall. The beginning of the school year is always demanding and I knew I wouldn't have time to blog for a while. But this fall has been extremely difficult. I had my first binge the second week of school and was halfway through the binge when it dawned on me "Oh no! I think this qualifies as a binge. I have broken my streak!" It is amazing to me that the eating was that unconscious.
Since then, I have continued to plan and eat healthy breakfasts and lunches. Dinners have been hit or miss. Fridays and weekends have been terrible. I shovel food into my body like I am a garbage disposal. I know this is NOT the answer.
The thing that has really put my stress level into the self destruct range is that my son has started fourth grade. He has a disability called Aspergers, which is on the autistic spectrum. Dealing with his disability is demanding, but it is nothing new in my life. The difference is that now he is in the same building I teach in. So the challenges/issues are much more "in my face" if you will. On top of this he has had a very difficult transition and we are back to him needing a one on one aide.
As I write this, I am trying to process why having him in the building is so much more difficult. I am not in denial about his disability so it isn't that. I guess being at work usually gives me a kind of "break" from everything else. It seems funny to call it a break because although my job is is a passion of mine and is joyful for me, it is also demanding and stressful. Somehow the challenges of work and being well respected at work, help me deal with everything else.
Now my son is with me before school and after school. I am having much more contact with his teachers and discussions of little daily problems that were probably dealt with without my "help" before. I work in a school I consider to be outstanding. And everyone cares about helping my child. Yet, there are many, many, many things that hurt or upset me. Having a child with a disability is hard. People have no idea. And I am guilty of helping them stay in a dark. I don't talk about how hard it really is because people don't want to hear it. I don't want to be a Debbie Downer.
Don't get me wrong. People are aware Evan has a disability and it is challenging. I do mention little things, just not the dark stuff. Like how I worry about his future. Will he be able to have a job and be a successful member of society? Or will he be the guy walking down the sidewalk muttering to himself? Or how I constantly feel judged as a parent, because people are ignorant about Aspergers? Evan looks fine and has normal intelligence, so his disability often looks like "bratty behavior" or "she's making excuses for him".
I want to be clear that I do feel blessed to have Evan and I adore him. He is full of love. He and Emily are our top priorities. I am thankful to have two healthy and happy children. I am just being very honest - it is very challenging and we are in a difficult period here.
I do have some things in place to help cope with the stress. For example, every Thursday night, I spend a few hours with my best friend. She "gets it". I also have a husband who is highly involved with parenting our kids - not all husbands are.
I know we will get through this time. We will tweak Evan's routine until things are going smoothly again. In the meantime, it is just taking a LOT out of my husband and myself. I don't want to gain weight. That just adds stress.
My stress level is a 10 out of 10 right now every day. I am overwhelmed and stressed. (You would never know it if you saw me at work.)I don't have it in me to count calories or points. Instead I will start by just NOT BINGEING. I also ordered a new low calorie cookbook by Ellie Krieger, so maybe that will provide some inspiration.
I have to nurture myself without food. The new plan is:
1. No bingeing.
2. Plan comfort food in reasonable amounts.
3. Go to bed early and read.
4. Blog at least once a week.
I might do more blogging about Evan. Perhaps having an outlet for some of my feelings will help me not binge. It is hard for me to be open about it because my default position is "I can handle whatever life throws my way and still be smiling/functioning." I am going to change the setting of my blog so people must get permission to join. I wouldn't want one of my colleagues to find it and feel I was being critical of my school. :)
Since then, I have continued to plan and eat healthy breakfasts and lunches. Dinners have been hit or miss. Fridays and weekends have been terrible. I shovel food into my body like I am a garbage disposal. I know this is NOT the answer.
The thing that has really put my stress level into the self destruct range is that my son has started fourth grade. He has a disability called Aspergers, which is on the autistic spectrum. Dealing with his disability is demanding, but it is nothing new in my life. The difference is that now he is in the same building I teach in. So the challenges/issues are much more "in my face" if you will. On top of this he has had a very difficult transition and we are back to him needing a one on one aide.
As I write this, I am trying to process why having him in the building is so much more difficult. I am not in denial about his disability so it isn't that. I guess being at work usually gives me a kind of "break" from everything else. It seems funny to call it a break because although my job is is a passion of mine and is joyful for me, it is also demanding and stressful. Somehow the challenges of work and being well respected at work, help me deal with everything else.
Now my son is with me before school and after school. I am having much more contact with his teachers and discussions of little daily problems that were probably dealt with without my "help" before. I work in a school I consider to be outstanding. And everyone cares about helping my child. Yet, there are many, many, many things that hurt or upset me. Having a child with a disability is hard. People have no idea. And I am guilty of helping them stay in a dark. I don't talk about how hard it really is because people don't want to hear it. I don't want to be a Debbie Downer.
Don't get me wrong. People are aware Evan has a disability and it is challenging. I do mention little things, just not the dark stuff. Like how I worry about his future. Will he be able to have a job and be a successful member of society? Or will he be the guy walking down the sidewalk muttering to himself? Or how I constantly feel judged as a parent, because people are ignorant about Aspergers? Evan looks fine and has normal intelligence, so his disability often looks like "bratty behavior" or "she's making excuses for him".
I want to be clear that I do feel blessed to have Evan and I adore him. He is full of love. He and Emily are our top priorities. I am thankful to have two healthy and happy children. I am just being very honest - it is very challenging and we are in a difficult period here.
I do have some things in place to help cope with the stress. For example, every Thursday night, I spend a few hours with my best friend. She "gets it". I also have a husband who is highly involved with parenting our kids - not all husbands are.
I know we will get through this time. We will tweak Evan's routine until things are going smoothly again. In the meantime, it is just taking a LOT out of my husband and myself. I don't want to gain weight. That just adds stress.
My stress level is a 10 out of 10 right now every day. I am overwhelmed and stressed. (You would never know it if you saw me at work.)I don't have it in me to count calories or points. Instead I will start by just NOT BINGEING. I also ordered a new low calorie cookbook by Ellie Krieger, so maybe that will provide some inspiration.
I have to nurture myself without food. The new plan is:
1. No bingeing.
2. Plan comfort food in reasonable amounts.
3. Go to bed early and read.
4. Blog at least once a week.
I might do more blogging about Evan. Perhaps having an outlet for some of my feelings will help me not binge. It is hard for me to be open about it because my default position is "I can handle whatever life throws my way and still be smiling/functioning." I am going to change the setting of my blog so people must get permission to join. I wouldn't want one of my colleagues to find it and feel I was being critical of my school. :)
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Which Little Word?
Day 55 - No Bingeing!
We are in the midst of some Hurricane Irene weather which has been a delightful break. It has rained all day and we have had strong winds - but no damage as far as I can see around my neighborhood. The rainy weather allowed me to feel I could spend most of the day puttering and relaxing - something I rarely do.
I worked on my kids' two school photo albums and had happy memories looking back through albums. I also started a reading notebook I can use to demo for my students. I found photos of me reading as a child and reading to my own children. I am going to decorate the front of the notebook with them.
I started the new Jennifer Weiner book and I read a bunch of blogs on line. :) I am still in my jammies (shorts and tank top). A nice, lazy day. We should be back to sunny weather tomorrow.
I do not feel like dieting right now. I can't decide if this is healthy and I should follow my gut or if it is a slippery slope. I am still eating pretty well - just not carefully enough to lose weight. Maybe I just need to maintain for a little bit and then lose a few more pounds.
I find the end of August and beginning of September to be very stressful with school starting. I am a teacher with perfectionistic tendencies and I always start out the school year exhausting myself because I can't stop doing, doing, doing. It is not healthy. I love my job so much that sometimes it borders on an addiction. This time of year, I do it at home too - I feel like everything must be perfect before school starts (better get the basement cleaned, kids' rooms reorganized, photos downloaded, cabinets cleaned out, closet cleaned) because then there is no time for that. I realize I do it, yet I continue to do it every year. Sick!
I really need to make my personal theme this year "DO LESS"! I have read before about how Ali Edwards chooses a word for amonth year and tries to reflect on it. Maybe I should follow her example. I have always been intrigued by the idea.
http://aliedwards.com/blog/one-little-word/
Less clutter. Less work. Less weight. Less complaining. I don't know. Maybe another word? Balance? Joy? Simplicity? Nurture? Pause? Participate? Relax? I am going to have to ponder this.
We are in the midst of some Hurricane Irene weather which has been a delightful break. It has rained all day and we have had strong winds - but no damage as far as I can see around my neighborhood. The rainy weather allowed me to feel I could spend most of the day puttering and relaxing - something I rarely do.
I worked on my kids' two school photo albums and had happy memories looking back through albums. I also started a reading notebook I can use to demo for my students. I found photos of me reading as a child and reading to my own children. I am going to decorate the front of the notebook with them.
I started the new Jennifer Weiner book and I read a bunch of blogs on line. :) I am still in my jammies (shorts and tank top). A nice, lazy day. We should be back to sunny weather tomorrow.
I do not feel like dieting right now. I can't decide if this is healthy and I should follow my gut or if it is a slippery slope. I am still eating pretty well - just not carefully enough to lose weight. Maybe I just need to maintain for a little bit and then lose a few more pounds.
I find the end of August and beginning of September to be very stressful with school starting. I am a teacher with perfectionistic tendencies and I always start out the school year exhausting myself because I can't stop doing, doing, doing. It is not healthy. I love my job so much that sometimes it borders on an addiction. This time of year, I do it at home too - I feel like everything must be perfect before school starts (better get the basement cleaned, kids' rooms reorganized, photos downloaded, cabinets cleaned out, closet cleaned) because then there is no time for that. I realize I do it, yet I continue to do it every year. Sick!
I really need to make my personal theme this year "DO LESS"! I have read before about how Ali Edwards chooses a word for a
http://aliedwards.com/blog/one-little-word/
Less clutter. Less work. Less weight. Less complaining. I don't know. Maybe another word? Balance? Joy? Simplicity? Nurture? Pause? Participate? Relax? I am going to have to ponder this.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Slacking on My Tracking
Day 46 - No Bingeing!
I haven't binged in a month and a half and I am seriously impressed with myself. I think the key has been that I have combined weight watchers with some intuitive eating skills. I am staying within my points, but I am eating what I feel like eating. This includes plenty of fruits and vegetables, but also one cup of my favorite ice cream a few times a week. I think of it as intuitive eating, but it also aligns with weight watchers as they believe no food is off limits. It is all about the portion and how often you eat it.
I am still feeling very motivated to lose weight but I haven't been tracking. In the city I did not track points, I just made good choices (no bread, no seconds, no dessert, etc.). Because I didn't know the nutritional information when I ate out for every meal, I didn't track. Since I have been home this week I have had several dinner or lunch dates with friends, and I have been slacking on my tracking. I know this could easily spiral out of control so today it is back to tracking carefully. :) I have to remember that it takes action to lose weight. I can't just feel strong and motivated, I have to behave strong and motivated.
Slim Katie has created a new recipe blog. Check it out. She has lots of recipes for quick and yummy dinners.
http://runsforcookiesrecipes.blogspot.com/
Emily has been at Camp Chingachgook on beautiful Lake George this week. We pick her up today and I can't wait! It will be fun to hear all about her week at camp. The camp is a beautiful property. I will try to post a picture tomorrow.
I haven't binged in a month and a half and I am seriously impressed with myself. I think the key has been that I have combined weight watchers with some intuitive eating skills. I am staying within my points, but I am eating what I feel like eating. This includes plenty of fruits and vegetables, but also one cup of my favorite ice cream a few times a week. I think of it as intuitive eating, but it also aligns with weight watchers as they believe no food is off limits. It is all about the portion and how often you eat it.
I am still feeling very motivated to lose weight but I haven't been tracking. In the city I did not track points, I just made good choices (no bread, no seconds, no dessert, etc.). Because I didn't know the nutritional information when I ate out for every meal, I didn't track. Since I have been home this week I have had several dinner or lunch dates with friends, and I have been slacking on my tracking. I know this could easily spiral out of control so today it is back to tracking carefully. :) I have to remember that it takes action to lose weight. I can't just feel strong and motivated, I have to behave strong and motivated.
Slim Katie has created a new recipe blog. Check it out. She has lots of recipes for quick and yummy dinners.
http://runsforcookiesrecipes.blogspot.com/
Emily has been at Camp Chingachgook on beautiful Lake George this week. We pick her up today and I can't wait! It will be fun to hear all about her week at camp. The camp is a beautiful property. I will try to post a picture tomorrow.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Home From NYC
I had a fabulous time in NYC. Columbia Teachers College rocks! The people I learned from all week are the rock stars of the teaching world. I can't wait to get back into the classroom and apply everything I learned.
I really did well with my eating. I ate a minimal breakfast all week long. I made sure I incorporated fruits and veggies at meals, as I usually would. Most impressive, I passed on the bread basket - every single time! I did not overeat or stuff myself. I also skipped dessert, except for one partial portion on our last night. I did a ton of walking too. However, I am not getting on the scale until Thursday. I want to focus on what I did right and if I weigh myself today and see a pound or two gained it might turn me into Negative Nellie.
I did some serious shopping in the city and it was fun, fun, fun! I love to shop. Best of all, my good friend helped me to decide what looked flattering on me. Her message was "Embrace your figure and curves." (My usual m.o. is all about camouflage.) I bought one cute dress at Ann Taylor I wouldn't even have tried on, if I wasn't following Denise's orders. :)
Do you believe a bra can change your life? This was the slogan of a bra shop I visited. I wanted a professional bra fitting. I worked with an amazing gal who used to be a RN and now she is the asst. manager of the shop. This was very different from other fittings I have had at places like Victoria's Secret. She did not use a tape measure, but rather the fit of the bras we tried on. I learned a lot about support. I was wearing my band way too loose - 4 inches too big. (I value comfort over beauty.) This gal changed my perspective. I bought four terrific bras and let's just say they cost wwwaaayyy too much. So far, they haven't changed my life....lol. But I do feel beautiful wearing them.
Next year, if I am lucky enough to attend the training again, I heard there is a place that does denim interventions and I hope to go there. I have always dreaded purchasing new bras, bathing suits, or jeans. It is too hard to find a good fit.
What is the most you would ever pay for a bra? :)
I really did well with my eating. I ate a minimal breakfast all week long. I made sure I incorporated fruits and veggies at meals, as I usually would. Most impressive, I passed on the bread basket - every single time! I did not overeat or stuff myself. I also skipped dessert, except for one partial portion on our last night. I did a ton of walking too. However, I am not getting on the scale until Thursday. I want to focus on what I did right and if I weigh myself today and see a pound or two gained it might turn me into Negative Nellie.
I did some serious shopping in the city and it was fun, fun, fun! I love to shop. Best of all, my good friend helped me to decide what looked flattering on me. Her message was "Embrace your figure and curves." (My usual m.o. is all about camouflage.) I bought one cute dress at Ann Taylor I wouldn't even have tried on, if I wasn't following Denise's orders. :)
Do you believe a bra can change your life? This was the slogan of a bra shop I visited. I wanted a professional bra fitting. I worked with an amazing gal who used to be a RN and now she is the asst. manager of the shop. This was very different from other fittings I have had at places like Victoria's Secret. She did not use a tape measure, but rather the fit of the bras we tried on. I learned a lot about support. I was wearing my band way too loose - 4 inches too big. (I value comfort over beauty.) This gal changed my perspective. I bought four terrific bras and let's just say they cost wwwaaayyy too much. So far, they haven't changed my life....lol. But I do feel beautiful wearing them.
Next year, if I am lucky enough to attend the training again, I heard there is a place that does denim interventions and I hope to go there. I have always dreaded purchasing new bras, bathing suits, or jeans. It is too hard to find a good fit.
What is the most you would ever pay for a bra? :)
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Off to the Big Apple
Day 34 - No Bingeing!
Today I leave for NYC to attend a week long institute at Columbia Teachers' College. I hate leaving my family and I am kind of a homebody. However, the training was phenomenal last summer, so it is worth it to go.
I am feeling strong in regards to my eating and I have packed some healthy snacks. My one concern is that eating so much later than normal will be hard. My goal is to maintain my weight for the week. Of course, a loss is always happy news too.
Here is my little list of things to consider if the going gets tough:
Today I leave for NYC to attend a week long institute at Columbia Teachers' College. I hate leaving my family and I am kind of a homebody. However, the training was phenomenal last summer, so it is worth it to go.
I am feeling strong in regards to my eating and I have packed some healthy snacks. My one concern is that eating so much later than normal will be hard. My goal is to maintain my weight for the week. Of course, a loss is always happy news too.
Here is my little list of things to consider if the going gets tough:
- small actions done consistently = big results
- What do I want most? (this food or losing weight) The choice is mine
- I have done many hard things in my life. I can do hard things. Hard does not mean impossible.
- Think about my black circle dress I bought. I want it to fit someday. :)
I bought the dress this weekend, being optimistic. It is a size 6. I wouldn't have purchased it since I am a size 10, but it is a $100 dress and I got it for $25. So, I decided it would be a target dress for me. I am currently taking graduate classes to become an assistant principal and I think this dress would be great for that job.
Ummmm....confession........I might have a slight shopping problem. I just purchased a dress I will probably not wear for 2 years, when I finish my CAS program! Plus, I am torn about leaving the classroom - not sure if it is right for me. More on that later. But I could wear it sooner, if I lose the weight. Anyway, I do love to shop but I only spend cash. More often, I spend it on books or my kids than clothes.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
5 Pounds in Two Weeks! Woo Hoo!!
Day 30 - No Bingeing!! ( a whole month)
I admit it. I cheated. I weighed myself a day early. I lost 2 pounds this week for a total of 5 pounds in two weeks on Weight Watchers. Woohoo!! I am going strong. I feel completely satisfied with the amount of food and type of food I am eating. Here's a typical day:
Breakfast - yogurt with blueberries and strawberries (3)
Snack - nuts (4)
Lunch - turkey, cheese, Pepperidge Farm snack sticks, grapes (8)
snack - Banana "Ice Cream" (banana blended with skim milk and cinnamon) with three pizzelle cookies (4)
Dinner - chicken breast, corn on the cob, fresh cantaloupe (7)
Dessert - Swedish Fish (4)
My weight has moved from my "disgusting/intolerable/have to stop the madness" range into my "heavier than I like but at least tolerable" range. I realize these ranges are different for everyone but I think we all have them.
Evan has been attending Lego Robotics camp (4 hours a day) this week and really enjoying it.
Emily started tennis today with the instructor at our local community college and he was amazing. I am not athletic and the only team sport I ever did was cheerleading. So, I haven't been around much coaching but I know good teaching when I see it. It was fascinating to me to see the way he went about teaching Emily the fundamentals of tennis. It sounds silly to say, but I never realized how important the serve is. I can already see that having great coaching makes a BIG difference.
Next week will be challenging food wise, because I am staying in NYC all week to go to the summer institute at Columbia Teachers College and learn from the best of the best. Last summer it was an amazing learning experience! Dinner will be the most challenging of course. But I am going with a plan and some healthy snacks. My goal is to maintain for the week so I do not undo my hard earned progress. :)
I admit it. I cheated. I weighed myself a day early. I lost 2 pounds this week for a total of 5 pounds in two weeks on Weight Watchers. Woohoo!! I am going strong. I feel completely satisfied with the amount of food and type of food I am eating. Here's a typical day:
Breakfast - yogurt with blueberries and strawberries (3)
Snack - nuts (4)
Lunch - turkey, cheese, Pepperidge Farm snack sticks, grapes (8)
snack - Banana "Ice Cream" (banana blended with skim milk and cinnamon) with three pizzelle cookies (4)
Dinner - chicken breast, corn on the cob, fresh cantaloupe (7)
Dessert - Swedish Fish (4)
My weight has moved from my "disgusting/intolerable/have to stop the madness" range into my "heavier than I like but at least tolerable" range. I realize these ranges are different for everyone but I think we all have them.
Evan has been attending Lego Robotics camp (4 hours a day) this week and really enjoying it.
Emily started tennis today with the instructor at our local community college and he was amazing. I am not athletic and the only team sport I ever did was cheerleading. So, I haven't been around much coaching but I know good teaching when I see it. It was fascinating to me to see the way he went about teaching Emily the fundamentals of tennis. It sounds silly to say, but I never realized how important the serve is. I can already see that having great coaching makes a BIG difference.
Next week will be challenging food wise, because I am staying in NYC all week to go to the summer institute at Columbia Teachers College and learn from the best of the best. Last summer it was an amazing learning experience! Dinner will be the most challenging of course. But I am going with a plan and some healthy snacks. My goal is to maintain for the week so I do not undo my hard earned progress. :)
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