This Too Shall Pass

I am struggling right now - not just with my weight, but overall. The beginning of the school year is always demanding and I knew I wouldn't have time to blog for a while. But this fall has been extremely difficult. I had my first binge the second week of school and was halfway through the binge when it dawned on me "Oh no! I think this qualifies as a binge. I have broken my streak!" It is amazing to me that the eating was that unconscious. 


Since then, I have continued to plan and eat healthy breakfasts and lunches. Dinners have been hit or miss. Fridays and weekends have been terrible. I shovel food into my body like I am a garbage disposal. I know this is NOT the answer.


The thing that has really put my stress level into the self destruct range is that my son has started fourth grade. He has a disability called Aspergers, which is on the autistic spectrum. Dealing with his disability is demanding, but it is nothing new in my life. The difference is that now he is in the same building I teach in. So the challenges/issues are much more "in my face" if you will. On top of this he has had a very difficult transition and we are back to him needing a one on one aide.


As I write this, I am trying to process why having him in the building is so much more difficult. I am not in denial about his disability so it isn't that. I guess being at work usually gives me a kind of "break" from everything else. It seems funny to call it a break because although my job is is a passion of mine and is joyful for me, it is also demanding and stressful. Somehow the challenges of work and being well respected at work, help me deal with everything else. 


Now my son is with me before school and after school. I am having much more contact with his teachers and discussions of little daily problems that were probably dealt with without my "help" before. I work in a school I consider to be outstanding. And everyone cares about helping my child. Yet, there are many, many, many things that hurt or upset me. Having a child with a disability is hard. People have no idea. And I am guilty of helping them stay in a dark. I don't talk about how hard it really is because people don't want to hear it. I don't want to be a Debbie Downer. 


Don't get me wrong. People are aware Evan has a disability and it is challenging. I do mention little things, just not the dark stuff. Like how I worry about his future. Will he be able to have a job and be a successful member of society? Or will he be the guy walking down the sidewalk muttering to himself? Or how I constantly feel judged as a parent, because people are ignorant about Aspergers? Evan looks fine and has  normal intelligence, so his disability often looks like "bratty behavior" or "she's making excuses for him". 


I want to be clear that I do feel blessed to have Evan and I adore him. He is full of love. He and Emily are our top priorities. I am thankful to have two healthy  and happy children. I am just being very honest - it is very challenging and we are in a difficult period here.


I do have some things in place to help cope with the stress. For example, every Thursday night, I spend a few hours with my best friend. She "gets it". I also have a husband who is highly involved with parenting our kids - not all husbands are. 


I know we will get through this time. We will tweak Evan's routine until things are going smoothly again. In the meantime, it is just taking a LOT out of my husband and myself. I don't want to gain weight. That just adds stress.


My stress level is a 10 out of 10 right now every day. I am overwhelmed and stressed. (You would never know it if you saw me at work.)I don't have it in me to count calories or points. Instead I will start by just NOT BINGEING. I also ordered a new low calorie cookbook by Ellie Krieger, so maybe that will provide some inspiration. 


I have to nurture myself without food. The new plan is:
1.  No bingeing.
2. Plan comfort food in reasonable amounts.
3. Go to bed early and read.
4. Blog at least once a week.


I might do more blogging about Evan. Perhaps having an outlet for some of my feelings will help me not binge. It is hard for me to be open about it because my default position is "I can handle whatever life throws my way and still be smiling/functioning." I am going to change the setting of my blog so people must get permission to join. I wouldn't want one of my colleagues to find it and feel I was being critical of my school.  :)

Homemade Desserts

Day 5 - No Bingeing


Yesterday evening I had a hard time eating moderately. I did it, but I definitely had the urge to binge.  I am trying to notice these moments and find a pattern. In this case, I believe it was that I felt very tired.  I was feeling worn out from major cleaning and organizing this week and I was lacking sleep, too.


Today was Evan's party, so I was a little stressed but still ate moderately. Evan has Asperger's, so social events are sometimes often challenging. Plus, I did a lot of cleaning, prepping, and errand running prior to the party. What kind of lunatic cleans for a party with 9 year olds I ask you?


I have been eating homemade blueberry muffins this week (in moderation of course). They are so yummy. I really think baked goods must be part of my eating life.  Not every day of course. But maybe once a week I can bake something yummilicious and enjoy it in moderation.  


I think that NOT including baked goods leads to bingeing down the road, due to my all or nothing tendencies.  I include fresh fruit on a regular basis, so why not baked goods?  "Natural Maintainers" do not seem to deny themselves overall. They just limit (naturally) the frequency and portion of indulgences.  If I had a "care tag" it would read - Dose occasionally with small amounts of homemade desserts, for best results.


Although my diets often start with eating everything in moderation (a la Weight Watchers) I always end up behaving restrictively at some point, rather than eating in moderation, and it just doesn't work for me.  In the end, I rebel. Perhaps I do that because I have been dieting since I was about 12! My mom was also a chronic dieter.


I am striving to get the "diet mentality" out of my head. I do want to lose weight, but I am making sanity and consistent moderation my priority. If I don't lose weight, well at least I can become a more "normal" eater and have food consume less of my energy and thinking.