This Too Shall Pass

I am struggling right now - not just with my weight, but overall. The beginning of the school year is always demanding and I knew I wouldn't have time to blog for a while. But this fall has been extremely difficult. I had my first binge the second week of school and was halfway through the binge when it dawned on me "Oh no! I think this qualifies as a binge. I have broken my streak!" It is amazing to me that the eating was that unconscious. 


Since then, I have continued to plan and eat healthy breakfasts and lunches. Dinners have been hit or miss. Fridays and weekends have been terrible. I shovel food into my body like I am a garbage disposal. I know this is NOT the answer.


The thing that has really put my stress level into the self destruct range is that my son has started fourth grade. He has a disability called Aspergers, which is on the autistic spectrum. Dealing with his disability is demanding, but it is nothing new in my life. The difference is that now he is in the same building I teach in. So the challenges/issues are much more "in my face" if you will. On top of this he has had a very difficult transition and we are back to him needing a one on one aide.


As I write this, I am trying to process why having him in the building is so much more difficult. I am not in denial about his disability so it isn't that. I guess being at work usually gives me a kind of "break" from everything else. It seems funny to call it a break because although my job is is a passion of mine and is joyful for me, it is also demanding and stressful. Somehow the challenges of work and being well respected at work, help me deal with everything else. 


Now my son is with me before school and after school. I am having much more contact with his teachers and discussions of little daily problems that were probably dealt with without my "help" before. I work in a school I consider to be outstanding. And everyone cares about helping my child. Yet, there are many, many, many things that hurt or upset me. Having a child with a disability is hard. People have no idea. And I am guilty of helping them stay in a dark. I don't talk about how hard it really is because people don't want to hear it. I don't want to be a Debbie Downer. 


Don't get me wrong. People are aware Evan has a disability and it is challenging. I do mention little things, just not the dark stuff. Like how I worry about his future. Will he be able to have a job and be a successful member of society? Or will he be the guy walking down the sidewalk muttering to himself? Or how I constantly feel judged as a parent, because people are ignorant about Aspergers? Evan looks fine and has  normal intelligence, so his disability often looks like "bratty behavior" or "she's making excuses for him". 


I want to be clear that I do feel blessed to have Evan and I adore him. He is full of love. He and Emily are our top priorities. I am thankful to have two healthy  and happy children. I am just being very honest - it is very challenging and we are in a difficult period here.


I do have some things in place to help cope with the stress. For example, every Thursday night, I spend a few hours with my best friend. She "gets it". I also have a husband who is highly involved with parenting our kids - not all husbands are. 


I know we will get through this time. We will tweak Evan's routine until things are going smoothly again. In the meantime, it is just taking a LOT out of my husband and myself. I don't want to gain weight. That just adds stress.


My stress level is a 10 out of 10 right now every day. I am overwhelmed and stressed. (You would never know it if you saw me at work.)I don't have it in me to count calories or points. Instead I will start by just NOT BINGEING. I also ordered a new low calorie cookbook by Ellie Krieger, so maybe that will provide some inspiration. 


I have to nurture myself without food. The new plan is:
1.  No bingeing.
2. Plan comfort food in reasonable amounts.
3. Go to bed early and read.
4. Blog at least once a week.


I might do more blogging about Evan. Perhaps having an outlet for some of my feelings will help me not binge. It is hard for me to be open about it because my default position is "I can handle whatever life throws my way and still be smiling/functioning." I am going to change the setting of my blog so people must get permission to join. I wouldn't want one of my colleagues to find it and feel I was being critical of my school.  :)

Eating Well and Feeling Great

Day 19 - No Bingeing


Today is a beautiful day and we are headed out on the boat with the kids and a friend for each of them. Eating on the boat is challenging, due to there being lots of junk food - chips and chocolate chip cookies. However, I  am on day 3 of WW and feeling STRONG. I am headed out with a plan. Mind you my plan involves a 14 point lunch with potato chips, but the important thing is I have planned for it. I have adjusted the rest of my day accordingly.


My breakfast was cantaloupe from the vegetable stand with blueberries and yogurt.  Yum. I love this breakfast. I can't believe that over the last 4 months I have managed to do without carbs at breakfast (most days). I used to always, always, have a carb at breakfast. It wasn't a habit I thought I could change and remain satisfied. I surprised myself. Good lesson. It pays to try and change habits. Sometimes the change isn't as painful as we anticipate.


Even though I don't know if I have lost any weight yet, I feel better when I eat well. I just feel more strong and healthy and even thinner.  I must remember that on days when healthy eating feels like a prison sentence.  :) 


Last night Emily somehow left her sink water running while she got in the shower. The water overflowed the sink! Of course, Emily didn't notice over the noise of her shower. My husband was in the basement and water came trickling down the wall. He flipped out! The clean up was really stressful because David was overreacting and not acting like himself. Both kids ended up crying. Afterwards, I did get an intense urge to binge. However, I stood strong and ignored it.  

Day One - Ditching Bingeing and Embracing Moderation

"The greatest accomplishment is not in never falling, but in rising again after you fall."  Vince Lombardi


I am holding this quote in my mind, because yesterday was a classic example of why I struggle with my weight. David and I went boating with the kids and another family we enjoy, to celebrate the Fourth of July. I ate well - sticking to exactly what I had planned all day.


Then, around 9PM I binged on giant Lofthouse molasses cookies (110 cal. each) and milk. I think I ate 6 or 8 and they weren't even that good. I was also not feeling stressed. Sometimes I don't understand myself! Why can't I just have one and be happy? I do sometimes control my eating and just eat one, but it doesn't really satisfy me. I am just overriding my urge to eat more, more,  more.


What is it that makes me not be happy with one cookie? Is it my constant cycle of dieting makes me always feel like tomorrow cookies will be off limits, so I better dig in today???  In reality, I know I can eat all foods in moderation.  Yet psychologically I guess I still feel deprived.


Today I am just focusing on making it through one day eating in moderation - no bingeing. I am going to start a streak of no bingeing.
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PM Update -  I met all my daily goals today and it felt like smooth sailing. I don't understand what makes one day so difficult and another so smooth??